WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington sources report that the White House received "a real downer of a prognosis" yesterday after Dr. Pillary Schminton informed President Biden that the only known cure for COVID is euthanasia.

Dr. Schminton, who received formal training in Canada, said that — despite the seeming cruelty of it all — euthanasia is the only responsible choice for treating the President's terrible case of COVID-19.

"I'm so sorry to say, this is totally fatal," Dr. Schminton reportedly said. "The only thing we have left to do is keep the poor fellow comfortable and inject him with morphine until he just slips quietly into the sweet embrace of dropping out of the race, er, I mean, death."

According to White House insiders, the top Democrat leaders who had hired Dr. Schminton were utterly shocked by the diagnosis.

"What? Oh no," gasped Vice-President Kamala Harris, as a cackle tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Euthanasia? No, Joe! We've got to do it! I'm so sorry old buddy…we've been through so much together! I'll miss you so dearly!"

Reports say that Dr. Jill Biden attempted to use her Doctorate of Education to offer a second opinion, but she was quickly hustled out of the White House and into an unmarked black SUV before she could give a comment. President Biden was unavailable for comment, as he was being forcibly quarantined.

At publishing time, Democrat leaders had Dr. Schminton hard at work putting together a certificate of death to release after the president's COVID treatment was completed.

"We did not recover the missing part of Trump's ear," said Butler County Sheriff Michael Slupe. "A mistake that may have doomed us all. Now, our scientists tell us it has begun growing into a second version of Trump that will soon threaten the town."

"God, forgive me," he whispered.


Authorities have reportedly evacuated a ten-square-mile area as they prepare for the worst.

"We believe it began life as a tiny blob, but has since grown to the size of a beach ball, "said Dr. Trevor Hallen, a biochemist working for the FBI. "It is learning human speech at a rapid rate."

The unholy creation, which sources speculate feeds on raw patriotism, was last seen headed northeast on Evans City Rd. Authorities have advised townspeople to stay in their homes.

According to witnesses, the horrendous blob was heard saying, "All I want is to be loved."

Dr. Hallen continued, "If my models are correct, it will soon be ten stories tall and consume the entire eastern seaboard."

"We are all going to die."

However, in defiance of scientific models, the blob stopped growing at a modest 6 feet 3 inches, becoming nearly indistinguishable from the real Trump, the only difference being that the double is not missing a piece of its ear.

At publishing time, Trump had named the second Trump his top campaign advisor.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many puzzling questions still remaining unanswered in the wake of the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump at a Pennsylvania campaign rally last week, the United States Secret Service announced that it was working tirelessly to investigate anyone who criticized its incompetence.

Washington lawmakers, media pundits, and the general public alike all raised red flags over inconsistencies and apparent failures of the Secret Service in the close call Trump experienced, leading the government agency to release an official statement that it was doing everything within its power to track down anyone who would dare to question the impeccable record of the Secret Service.

"We will not rest until we find everyone who is trying to make us look bad," said Secret Service spokesperson Valerie Porter. "What happened last weekend at President Trump's rally shook everyone up. In order to restore the public's faith in the Secret Service, we promise to discover the identities of anyone criticizing us and bring them to justice."

Trump narrowly survived with minor injuries, but every detail discovered about the shooting seemed to only raise more questions, leaving Secret Service officials determined to pursue their critics to the bitter end. "Every concerned American citizen can rest assured," Porter continued. "The people responsible for seeking to hold our agency accountable will be held accountable."

At publishing time, sources within the Secret Service reported that agents had been instructed to pursue the agency's critics wherever they went unless they were located on a moderately sloped roof.

U.S. — Video game developer Activision announced what has quickly become its most anticipated release in years, with newest franchise installment Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof.

"The adrenaline is off the charts," said lead developer Kevin Masterson. "It's all the excitement and intensity you love about Call Of Duty, but now with a slight incline. It's insane."

According to sources, the campaign mode will follow Private Soap as he makes his way through the intense regimen of Secret Service training, then attempts to stop an assassination plot against the President. "This is the most difficult, extreme campaign we have ever made," said Masterson. "You have to literally crawl on your tummy up a slight slope and not fall down. Then, you have roughly twenty minutes to line up your shot. I'm light-headed just talking about it."

The game will feature new character options, including the opportunity to play as a five-foot tall woman who cannot wield a pistol. "It adds a whole new element to the game," said game tester Stephen Carson. "You can also outfit your character with brand new perks like 'enhanced sitting', where you are able to sit on a roof with ease. If you progress to level 50, you can even unlock an extension ladder to help get up and down off the roof. It's so exciting."

At publishing time, Activision had announced that the multiplayer platform would have an invincible "Trump" character that could be unlocked if your character survives having an ear blown off.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Biden's poll numbers continuing to fall and projections for November's elections looking grim, desperate Democrats called the January 6 buffalo guy on the phone to see if he'd be willing to stage another insurrection.

"Yes, is this Jacob Chansley? Yes, I'd like to order an insurrection," Nancy Pelosi said to the infamous QAnon Shaman. "I know we've been saying insurrections are bad and stuff, but things are looking ugly for us and we've tried just about everything we can do to turn it around, but it's not good."

"If you could maybe overthrow the government and force Biden to step down or at least raise a ruckus at the Capitol to help get our poll numbers up, that would be so great."

Latest polling numbers indicated Biden would face an uphill battle across key battleground states, leaving Democrats at a crossroads as to what to do if Biden continued to refuse to step down. Closed-door meetings with party leadership led to the conclusion that inciting an insurrection was the only option left. "It's exactly what we need," Pelosi said. "It's pretty simple. We put one together once before, so I'm sure we could do the same thing again. Some crafty planning, a few undercover FBI agents to stir the pot. We just have to get those MAGA people on board."

At publishing time, Democrats refused to comment on rumors they had also called Ray Epps to help out.

U.S. — Despite rising tension within the Democratic Party and uncertainty regarding President Joe Biden's cognitive capacity and fitness to remain in the presidential race, former President Barack Obama reassured the nation that he is still running the country.

Obama's calming message that he remained in firm control of the United States came as a relief to millions of Americans who had begun to believe that their country was being supervised by a mentally defective dementia patient who lost his grasp of reality years ago.

"Don't worry, America, I'm still at the wheel," Obama said in a brief public statement. "Though I moved out of the White House in January 2017 following my two official terms, that doesn't mean I retired. I have been running things the last few years from behind the scenes while Joe walked around under the impression he was in charge. I want all Americans to know that the country is in my sure hands, just as it was back when I was behind the desk in the Oval Office… though I do still sneak back in every now and then to sit in the chair."

With calls for Biden to step down and let someone else take the Democratic nomination coming from prominent voices in government, media, and entertainment, Obama stressed that even if Biden remains in the race, re-electing him was the best way to make sure the Obama administration remained in power. "Don't worry about Joe," Obama said. "He'll be fine while we keep telling him he's president, and all of you can rest easy knowing that I'm still in the driver's seat."

At publishing time, Obama also assured voters that they still wouldn't ever have to worry about Hillary Clinton being president.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for The Babylon Bee editorial board to opine on the mental capacities of sitting presidents, the nation is probably in some sort of trouble.

Compelled, however, by the recent explosion of violent hatred and vitriol that has oozed out of the upper echelons of the Democratic Party and dripped down upon the innocent shoulders of our Dear Leader President Biden like hydrochloric acid on a banana, we feel that it is our bounden duty as citizens and journalists to defend what is evident even unto idiots like Republicans, or AOC.

Joe Biden is of sound mind and body and the cruel and senseless attacks on him must stop!

The blatantly partisan and obviously politically motivated attacks upon Joseph Biden from the likes of Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, George Clooney, and others have no basis in fact whatsoever. There is no Parkinsons. There is no dementia. In fact, Parkinsons and dementia are probably conspiracy theories made up to discredit the most popular president in American history.

Our president is the picture of health and exemplifies perhaps more than any other modern leader what that old phrase "sana mens in sanum corpus, e pluribus unum, habeas corpus, a contrario" truly means.

For the sake of our nation, for the sake of democracy, knock it off.

"We have to overrule the will of the people, because democracy is at stake," explained Representative Nancy Pelosi. "The democratically elected leader of our party must be destroyed, or else democracy will be lost once and for all."

According to sources, Democratic party leaders have expressed anger at voters for being so dumb as to choose President Biden, creating this crisis. "How could those stupid voters not have not seen through the lies about Biden being fit to serve? Idiots!" said Chuck Schumer. "They got us into this mess, so it's up to us now to pull off an insurrection to get us out of it. For democracy."

Instead of allowing citizens to vote for their preferred candidate, the Democratic party will instead have the most powerful and wealthy people on earth choose who should rule the people. "It's Democracy 101," said former President Barack Obama. "The wealthy elites must seize power to save democracy. If the people choose a bad candidate because they believed the lies you told about him, you don't just accept the will of the people. You stage a coup and overrule those idiots. Simple."

At publishing time, the billionaires who pay for Democratic party campaigns had reminded them they were withholding money until Biden dropped out, so they better hurry up with the coup.

U.S. — After the announcement broke that President Biden would no longer seek re-election, aides have struggled to figure out how exactly to break the news to President Biden.

"Oh man, he's not going to like this," said longtime aide Sally Connors. "Maybe we can wait until after four, and then he won't remember?"

According to sources, aides plan to try to sandwich the news between bits of good news in an effort to soften the blow. "We could start off by reminding him that it's National Ice Cream Day," said aide Mike Thomas. "Then, breeze real fast through the 'you have dementia, no one likes you, your career is over, and your party betrayed you', then tell him that the cafeteria is serving shepherd's pie for lunch tomorrow? Eh?"

After a week considering the best time and manner to withdraw from the Presidential race, those closet to the President described finding the right time and place to break the news to President Biden even harder. "Well for starters, you only have a six-hour window in which he is lucid," said Connors. "Take out meals, naps, angry tirades, you've only got about thirty minutes per day to begin with. Trying to catch him in the right mood to tell him he's being put out to pasture - it's tough, you know?"

At publishing time, aides had decided to wait until tomorrow as the ice cream shop was out of chocolate chip, so today was just not a good day.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a concerning Special Counsel report that suggested Biden may be mentally unfit to remain in the presidency, an additional report has revealed that Kamala Harris is also mentally unfit to replace Biden.

"Not gonna lie, we're kinda scraping the bottom of the bullpen here," said an anonymous White House source. "I asked Kamala yesterday if she would be ready to step into the role of President should her nation call her to do so, and she responded by laughing maniacally and talking about how much she loves space. We're running out of options."

When reached for comment, the Vice President gave no clear answers. "President is like the biggest boss of a country, and when you think about it, that's significant in a way the many people find significant," she said. "Vice President is like the little boss. Presidents need lots of mental. I have plenty of mental. Mental is in brains, which I have. I love the yellow school bus. HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

As of publishing time, VP Harris's staff was unavailable for comment, as she has no remaining staff still working for her.