Hunter Biden Tells Dad He's Going To Need A New Boat
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Hunter Biden informed his father today that, due to an unexpected malfunction, he is going to be needing a new boat.
His prior boat apparently caught fire and exploded while going on a little outing through the southern Caribbean.
"The old boat, uh, died," explained Hunter to his father. "It's the darndest thing, you know? Just humming along in the Caribbean, on a dolphin tour, when... boom! It just blew up out of nowhere. So, yeah, I'm going to be needing a new boat pretty quick, before the drugs wear o -- I mean, before I get sad from losing my boat."
According to sources, Hunter had several friends on his old boat that he was really looking forward to seeing. "I'm super bummed to not get to see Juan, Julio, Juan, Eduardo, or Juan," said Hunter. "They were such good guys. They would always say these funny jokes, like, 'You better pay up or we'll kill your family!' I'm gonna miss them."
At publishing time, Hunter had also informed his dad he was going to need whatever the cash equivalent was of 10,000 kilos of fentanyl.
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Trump Invites Doubting Democrats To Touch The Hole In His Ear
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump laid rumors of health decline to rest yesterday by inviting doubting Democrats to come forward and touch the hole in his ear.
According to eyewitnesses, Trump miraculously appeared in the House Chambers and called for the unbelieving Democrats to step forward and put their fingers to his ear.
"Look, you can put your whole finger through it," Trump explained patiently to dozens of doubting Democrats. "Why do you hang back? Why did you doubt my health? Come forward and feel my ear — it's got a really beautiful lobe, just a fantastic lobe, even though with the hole. Oh you sad haters, you losers of little faith. Blessed are those who have not worried about seeing me over the weekend, but who faithfully read my Truth Social posts and follow them."
Trump also offered to eat several Big Macs and a large order of fries, to show the Democrats that he was still flesh and blood.
At publishing time, Trump had proven his good health to the Democrats by many other signs and wonders before instructing JD Vance to feed his sheep.
9/4/2025 1:38 PM (edited)