10 Irrefutable Signs Trump's Health Is Declining

Speculation has been swirling about President Donald Trump's health, with some people even spreading wild rumors that he died over the weekend. What's the real story?

The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of undeniable signs that Trump's health is going downhill:

1. Trump has been occasionally posting in lowercase on social media, and his posts have been more coherent: This is not normal.

2. He is sometimes seen sitting down: A sure sign of failing health. Obviously weak.

3. He only managed to eat eight Big Macs today: It's like he's slowly fading away.

4. The man's frickin' 80 or something: Obviously, anyone over 80 years old is at death's door.

5. Trump shakes hands with nobody, says nonsense, and wanders around aimlessly: Oh, wait, that was the last guy.

6. He shot a mere 36 on the links this weekend: Sources close to Trump say he's a shadow of his usual 24.

7. He only works 23 hours a day now: A shocking decline in stamina.

8. JD Vance beat him at Monopoly yesterday: This NEVER used to happen. Trump's losing his touch.

9. He introduced just 8 new tariffs in the last eight hours: This drop in productivity is concerning.

10. The swelling of his head has gone to his ankles: The end is near.

This is terrifying evidence. It's obviously only a matter of time before Trump is out of commission.

Stubborn Trump Refuses To Admit He's Dead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a statement from the Oval Office, President Trump stubbornly refused to admit that he died this past weekend.

Journalists pressed the President as to why he would not simply admit that he is dead, but to no avail.

"You are obviously dead, Mr. President. Why will you not level with the American people?" asked Kaitlin Collins of CBS News.

"Excuse me, but can a ghost shoot three under par on the back nine like I did on Saturday? No way, not any ghosts that I know," responded President Trump. "They can't even hold a club with their ghost hands. It's embarrassing, frankly, how bad ghosts are at golf."

"Mr. President, sir. Ghosts can learn to exert force on real objects -- or have you not seen the Patrick Swayze movie Ghost?" responded Collins. "Whoopie Goldberg was in it and she says you're dead, Mr. President. Just admit it."

"That's ridiculous, a ghost could never beat me at golf," said Trump. "I will challenge Whoopie or any ghost, anywhere, to a round of golf. You can get the ghost of Arnold Palmer, I don't care who it is, no chance. I am the best at ghost golf, believe me."

At publishing time and just after a 3 hour televised cabinet meeting, the media had denounced Trump's proclamation of still being alive as "fake news."



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Millions Of Christian Extremists Gather To Pray For Those Who Want To Kill Them

U.S. — Reports from across the country reveal millions of Christian extremists gathered in groups this morning to pray for the people who want to kill them.

Though they shed tears of grief for the dead, the extremists collectively reaffirmed their belief in the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting.

"Yes, we are grieved and sorrowful, and for all those hurting deeply, we pray to the Lord," said local man Greg Thompson. "And for those who have hurt us and celebrate our grief, we also pray to the Lord. We have seen the most heinous form of hate, that which will take a life. We have also experienced the greatest form of love, that which will lay down its own life, pure and spotless. At the cross -- where again, hatred took a life -- love proved stronger than hate. Love proved stronger than death. And so, suffering as we are, we strive to follow the example of Christ. Forgive them, Father. Bring them to your Kingdom."

At publishing time, the Christian extremists had announced plans to do the very same thing again next Sunday.

THIS IS MAGA RIGHT NOW!!!

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BUSTED.

He did NOT think this through....

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FCC Mandates Every Station Air Nightly Broadcast Of 'The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour'

Pitched following the sudden indefinite removal of Jimmy Kimmel Live! from the air, the president's new variety show was announced as part of plans to promote freedom of speech with a government-mandated entertainment program where anything goes.

"We had nothing to do with the firing of Jimmy Kimmel, but you can't expect us to sit around and not take advantage of it," FCC Chairman Steve Combs said. "That's why, with the president's approval, we've decided to put together a late-night variety program featuring government-approved acts."

The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour was set to air its first episode Thursday night, surprising millions of Americans who would be tuning in for other broadcasts.

"We're going to have a great show for you tonight. Just a tremendous show. Maybe the best ever," Trump said during the taped show's opening monologue. "We've got some terrific acts lined up for you tonight, and JD Vance is here! Little JD, I call him. But seriously, he's doing a great job. Just adorable. We've also got Kid Rock, a mariachi band, and a monkey. You gotta have monkey."

At publishing time, the White House announced that President Trump had successfully paid off the national debt with lucrative advertising deals he negotiated for the show.

Nielsen data showed sharp summer declines and a year-long slide that leaves him trailing late-night rivals such as Fox News’ Greg Gutfeld and CBS star Stephen Colbert.

According to monthly Nielsen figures, “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” dropped to just 1.1 million total viewers in August 2025, down 43% from January’s 1.95 million. His August household rating of 0.35 marked the weakest showing of the year.

The advertiser-coveted 18–49 demo also cratered. Kimmel averaged only 129,000 viewers in that bracket in August, off from 212,000 in January and less than half his June peak of 284,000.

Jimmy Kimmel May Have Violated the Law (i.e., an FCC Regulation)

The FCC has promulgated many regulations that govern the airwaves. One of them is 47 C.F.R. § 73.1217.

No licensee or permittee of any broadcast station shall broadcast false information concerning a crime or a catastrophe if:

(1) The licensee knows this information is false;

(2) It is foreseeable that broadcast of the information will cause substantial public harm, and

(3) Broadcast of the information does in fact directly cause substantial public harm.